The Problem with Calling Kids “Smart” and 11 Ways to Say What You Really Mean (Works On ANY Child)
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” — Proverbs 18:21
The Problem with Being Smart
Being smart expires. Much to the surprise of teacher’s pets praised for being smart, unemployment and underemployment of college graduates is staggeringly high.
Intelligent people are reported to exhibit higher signs of depression, anxiety, and social isolation. Meanwhile, research shows that children able to exercise grit are more likely to achieve long-term goals.
So maybe it’s time we re-think the value we place on calling young people smart. Here are 11 things to say instead to raise a highly confident, cooperative, and self-motivated future child adult (perfect also for re-parenting your Inner Child).
“Be Impeccable with your word: speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.” — Miguel Ruiz
Inquisitive
Kids are historians. They memorize phone passwords quicker than you can change them, and they pry into grown folk’s conversation with endless questions. Our natural inclination is to silence their nosiness. But, when we redirect that energy, it’s a win-win. Highlighting that a child is inquisitive allows them to cultivate a skill towards research. This applies to all types of knowledge, including the sassy girl all up in everyone’s business.
Inventive
School children have an interesting way of bending rules. Instead of using cuss words, some children implement near rhymes. They are master creators of new dance moves, chants, and classic flavor combos (move over vanilla, mocha-ice cream with caramel drizzle is en la mod). However, there’s failure before success. Next time Timmy dunks his chocolate bar in honey mustard, creating a mess in the process, rather than frowning in disgust, tell him that he has 10 minutes to clean up the mess his inventiveness caused if he wants to make it to recess on time.
Persuasive
We find examples of persuasive children everywhere: the kid who convinces her vegan babysitter for a treat at the dairy ice cream parlor. Strategically her “feet are tired” as they approach the store sign; she gauges her investor’s receptiveness and in the flash of a darling smile batting her eyelashes, she’s officially two scoops into a Ben and Jerry’s red velvet. Well played, kid.
Executive
I laughed at the 4-year-old divying Uno card “money” to “needy community members” during playtime. Perhaps I should have noted his delegation skills. We all know the kid who was giving orders in the womb. Instead of chastising their bossiness, remind them of the responsibilities of a successful leader: integrity, patience, and flexibility.
Detail oriented
As a teacher you come across interesting things. Some students will importantly correct you on missing commas or question your backward -f’s. As comically depicted in A Black Lady’s sketch show, students pick up on your social life. I had a student chime, “Miss Snousha, we miss when you wear blue eyeliner.” Could it have been a way to distract from the academic lesson? Perhaps. But, she was not wrong.
Pretty/Handsome
It’s important that kids recognize that they are more than a test score, college admission, and pay rate. It’s not superficial to know you are “100% that bi*tch”. Be sure to tell your child that they are brilliant and gorgeous, lest they seek affirmation from strangers with bad intention. Compliment their smile, braids, and personal hygiene. Ask them what their favorite color is and why?
Perceptive
“It stank in here.” We have all been on field trip where the kids honestly smell from being outside all day. It’s a losing battle to argue. Saying nothing just aggravates the issue further. Or the child that rolls their eyes when you bring over Cheeto Puffs instead of Classic Cheeto. As if! It may be artificially flavored cheesy, processed corn to you, but a perceptive child identifies nuance.
Musical
The kids who tap pencils to make beats in class. Girls that sneak hand-clapping games when the teacher is not looking. The child that sings quietly to herself. Regardless of how off-key, annoying, or distracting it may seem, remember that kids are expressing themselves as best as they can. Music and math are positively correlated.
Self-starter
Babysit children and you hear, “Emily copied my pencil! She knew I liked sparkly pencils and now she is copying me!” Smart kids are trendsetters. When they inevitably communicate their boundaries being infringed on (regardless of how shallow it is to identify with a pencil case), use the opportunity to say they are self-starters. That knowledge will serve them well when they inevitably run into coworkers that take credit for their ideas, and will remind them to be intrinsically motivated.
Analytical
The child who cannot decide between a side of sliced apples or a banana for snack. It’s easy to be impatient with this child. But once they finally decide on the bag of chips they forgot their parents packed in their backpack, remind them that their analytical mind is useful. That child assess the pros and cons of a situation which is important for long term decisions. It’s great to be rational, it’s what makes whimsy all the more enjoyable.
Creative
The tik-tokers of today are the innovators of tomorrow. I cringe at the pseudonyms of the new generation of pop stars, but it’s an outlet to express their creativity, and speaks to the pulse of young people. Same goes for the kids that exert their individuality via shoelaces, fancy penmanship, or nail polish. Y’all remember the kids that would tattoo themselves with sharpie marker?
For parents, self-parenters, and child educators
As gig economy grows, and more people are ditching a 9–5 to grow blueberries and groom sheep, the truth has set in: smart is played out. It’s one dimensional.
In some classrooms, teachers are forbidden to say good job because it adds to external validation. It’s taboo to call girls cute, but newsflash: being smart alone does not translate into the workplace, the gym, or country clubs. Plus, with over 9 types of intelligence, “smart” is a loaded word. Try these out with kids in your world at home, in the classroom, and the playground. Try it out on yourself. Observe your life transform.
