Time Machine Dreams

If you could travel back in time to any point in human history, where would you go? Or maybe you’d prefer a time machine to the future?

For me, I would travel back in time to the first time I stuffed my emotions. I was only a few years old, maybe three or four, but I had experienced enough of the world to know that I needed to run from it. Fast. But since I had no where to go, I learned to stuff.

I’d tell myself that contrary to how my well-intentioned family had programmed me, emotions are neutral; there aren’t any bad emotions. But bottling emotions up can lead to bad behaviors over time. Like stuffing.

For me it manifests in my chest. Spasms claw at my sternum and I wonder whether I am having a heart attack. It’s an accumulation of repressed feelings over time. But my mind doesn’t process it this way. Neither does my body.

Without the distractions of alcohol, sex, or a gang of fake-ass friends the silence rings loud.

So I’d travel back in time to give myself a hug and tell that little girl that she did not have to stuff. I’d show her how to breathe without interruption. Even more, I’d let her know that she could speak up.